So I’ve been on the tezos block chain for a while now I really used to like the community on there. Unfortunately, I have been really poor for a long time also so it’s been really hard for me to actually consistently post on object in also feel like that I am fully a part of the community.
As of recently, I just feel completely detached from the community and I really just wanna focus on posting my collection and I believe that the people who like my work with the ground and the people who don’t want and that’s OK.
I feel like I’ve never really been good at networking in general and I really just don’t want to put up a Pasar on the Internet like I am. I also don’t play until petty politics that folder out on the Internet. I was fine I’m really stupid and there’s a lot of that that also plays into the NFT community and I just find all of that stuff ridiculous and I just don’t wanna deal with that.
I genuinely just want a place where I can post my art where ever that may be and people can buy it if they want to you or just seriously just enjoy taking a look at it.
Also, the reality of my life is that I am currently struggling and I am going to talk about it on any of the platforms that I’m on whatever that may be. If you don’t wanna hear about it that’s OK you don’t have to you can Unfollow or block me. But again, I am not going to play into petty politics.
I hope everyone enjoys all of the work that I’ve been putting out lately. I definitely have more to come on wave master and I’m ghost in hell so if you wanna stay updated on that you can on my Twitter or Patreon.
Used to talk a lot about learning lessons on this account because I’ve been ashamed of the way that I’ve handled a lot of things in my past. And I think that a lot of the time when I make posts, I end up talking to myself…..like a lot of people.
I think one of the reasons why I’ve been ashamed about the way that I handled some things in my past is because I never thought in the middle of things that I was doing something wrong. This these were the ways that I was taught to react. These were the ways that I was taught how things should go, and I never had any other representation or no one else in my ear telling me what I was doing was wrong. It wasn’t until I became ashamed because of how people were treating me (based on my actions) that made me do some self-reflecting, and then some learning about the rights and wrongs in what I was doing.
So once you learn that your way is one, not the only way, but sometimes the wrong way it’s not only jarring, but its honestly offensive. How can I be such a terrible person? How could I not know that I was such a terrible person and doing such bad things? And I noticed that this is something that happens to everyone eventually. At everyone can one of three routes about it. You can either learn how to fix it, become ashamed of yourself, or do absolutely nothing and refuse to believe that everything you do is perfect.
But the truth is, we’re all terribly complex, and something that seems right to someone else isn’t right to the next. Given the right tools to handle some situations, so it’s not fair to hold everybody to the same standards and make the right decisions for everyone, even the ones for yourself.
This is something that has been very hard for me to come to terms with because you can’t change the past and you can’t change peoples perspective of you especially the ones that are hard just sometimes you have to move on and realize that was a version of you that doesn’t have the same information that the version of you now does.
My worst personality trait is that I’ve always been in favor of revenge. And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that the best revenge truly is just becoming a better person, even better than them. Whoever “them” is in the context of your story.
There are a lot of people in my past that I would love to make amends with. And I also know there are people in my past who are always going to associate me with the past versions of myself, the versions of myself who hasn’t gotten to the point where I am yet, and won’t even associate me with the person I have yet to become. I think the sweetest revenge is blossoming into the person that you truly are supposed to be, and if possible, and even greater than anyone could envision you being.
Some of my favorite stories are about people overcoming addiction, people with addiction stories where it seemed like everyone had given up hope on them. And with their own sheer willpower, and with the knowlgede that they deserved better for themselves, they got the help they needed and got sober. Those stories give me so must hope in my own life that no matter what happens, I can still get my revenge. I can still show everyone the version of myself that I know exists in this life.
I think after being one of the most anxious and controlling person when it comes to how I feel my life is supposed to be lived. I think the best and highest version of myself is becoming the most laid-back and cool outlook on life that there is to have. That she creates and curates art to live in a space that can translate her dreams to strangers. I think that’s when I’ll know that vengeance is mine.
I find it really comical that the country truly believes that we are the greatest country on earth and we honestly never have been and I think that that’s a truth that is a hard pill to swallow for a good 50% of us. Through the years of slavery, and the clearly failed decades of capitalism, that we, for some reason, keep trying to stick with, is blatantly, obvious that we keep trying to use petty politics and petty circumstances to conceal what’s really going on here. And what’s really going on is that this country is fundamentally flawed.
And honestly, you don’t have to be smart to see that I mean just look at me.
What are the main ways that this country is flawed is by the way it would rather divide their peoples into turmoil and protest, and into fighting each other instead of admitting its own mistakes. This country is in the business of protecting their own assets instead of supplying their people with basic needs.
No country or no person of power is without flaw, and I think it’s really important as a person of power, or even a country of power to acknowledge when they’ve done something wrong and take the necessary steps to move forward in a positive manner instead of brushing it under the rug and creating more issue. When you brush things under the rug, you still allow people to make up what you believe in and where your stance is and that goes for almost every aspect, and I think when you look at a country that has done some thing, terrible like genocide or war without justified reason, and you brush that under the rug it’s not admitting that mistake or even acknowledging that it happened, you allow people who are faithful to the land to harbor negative feelings, without realizing what those negative feelings are Harbert for.
It’s so interesting to sit back has an American and watch our country function because we focus on making progress and some great ways but then we lose it by taking to the three steps back since so many other different ways and it’s almost like we’re stuck in the cycle of wanting to be progressive, and wanting to make change in this big world that we all share with all of these other wonderful countries, but we can’t let go of a lot of negative aspects about ourselves collectively.
Another thing that I really hate about this country and even I can’t say that this is an a fact about myself is how it’s a joke globally that we’re all the hamburgers and bimbos of the planet. Our country is so ignorant it’s a joke to the rest of the planet. It’s not even that we’re uneducated or not caught up on the latest technology. It’s that we are just unwilling to learn culture outside of culture that’s closest to our own. Culture that’s outside of our own is too strange and uncomfortable, and probably aligns with witchcraft and the devil and doesn’t align with our Puritan and Christian foundations that this country was built on so it’s strange that should be looked upon as weird or needs help and should be changed.
There’s so many things wrong with this country, so many that I can’t even begin to even list, and it’s not even that we as it citizens don’t even notice. It’s that we allow ourselves to be distracted by what the people in our devices tell us that we should be upset about. And instead of standing up for ourselves and saying “oh fuck off” and demanding the change we truly deserve as a nation, we end up just going along with whatever they are saying.
We should all find it frankly insulting that we as this nations’ citizens have known for so long that this country has treated us like the dirt and mindless robots the made us out to be. But here we are.
So, admittedly, this version of Ghost in the Shell was the first thing I ever saw. But it made me so interested in watching series as a whole, and let me tell you…….
This movie doesn’t even scratch the surface of what the entire series is about. I think I’m just reiterating what everyone at the time was saying, but they could’ve done so much more with this movie.
And Scarlet was (and still is) coming out so so many bangers at the time. This would’ve just added to her resume if they just decided to go all the way in instead of going left field.
It bothers me so much that this is Americas introduction to Motoka, because damn, she’s nothing like this movie. 
I struggled alot with this when I was in High School. Not only did I feel like I was literally not seen but most of the time when I actually said something, most people didn’t actually hear it. And I normally had to repeat myself several times.
I was growing up in the age where we were just coming out of “children were seen but not heard”, but even deeper than that I was met with a lot of bullying and just general staying away from my peers and just the adults are around me because I was different and because my skin color didn’t really match up with the things that I was “supposed” to enjoy.
By standing out and just being myself somehow ostracized myself, and no one was willing to get to know me, or even hear the things that I wanted to say and it was a completely lonely, devastating experience.
As I got into my 20s and actually started getting friends, it was really hard for me to wrap my brain around having a small group of people actually wanting to be around me. I started craving for that validation of finally having people think that I’m cool or fun or whatever. And I just could never go back to before when I didn’t really have anyone at all. So I would do anything I could to make sure I could win over anyone’s approval, at almost any cost.
It was so important to me that I kept the circle of people around me whether or not they actually liked me because I need to feed the delusion that people thought I was good. I eventually became so desperate to have people just surrounding me. It was insane.
Let’s talk about some things I’ve said and done on the internet.
(Tw: Trauma dumping, sexual assault, suicide idealism, body dysmorphia, manipulation)
So I think it’s fair to say that I’ve learned a lot within the past 10 to 15 years. And I think saying that I’ve learned a lot is an understatement. Throughout all of this, I’ve also kept a pretty low profile just in general because I think I just know if you learn a lot of things that you’ve learned that you made a lot of mistakes you go through a phase of shame and embarrassment….which is the phase I’m currently in and you can’t help just be like goddamn I can’t believe I said so much stupid shit that I just didn’t even realize it was stupid shit that didn’t even truly align with my beliefs most of the time.
Back in the day especially when I was around like 18 to like 25 I would say a lot of things that I thought were really “a matter of fact” and really thought-provoking that wasn’t actually any of that, and really were just outlandish and not really well thought through at all. I happen just not what I thought i was doing at all. A lot of the times when I would say these things I would speak from heartbreak or just my own personal narrow scope of experience or just a literal wild topic that I had no experience bringing up.
Sometimes, people would call me on my shit (or think they were) and it would just end up being just a huge argument in the comment section for absolutely no reason. Because I had no idea what I was talking about or I didn’t know what I was talking about and I didn’t want admit it.
Now that I’m in my 30s and I can sit back and look at some of the things that I’ve said on the internet… I’m just kind of like…. I cannot believe it but I said and even backed a lot of the things that I said on these accounts. And one of these days, these things are definitely going to come and bite me in the ass. And you know what I honestly don’t care.
I think it’s a good mark to gauge how far I’ve come. And I think that this is something that a lotta people have to come to terms with as they grow up. Yeah, you have embarrassing things that are in your past (embarrassing do not include literally illegal things) but you know you gotta get over it. It is something that we all do.
At least I do, I can’t live my life questioning if something could’ve worked out or if I missed that moment that could’ve changed my life. I have to find out if that “moment” could’ve changed my life. I got a fuck around and find out.
I got to find out if that’s supposed to be my path in life or if that’s supposed to be my lesson. I got to find out if I’m going to cop a dub or if I’m looking down a barrel of a long con. And I think life is about taking those chances, and what song would even called a big risk. Because you never know what kind of reward is on the other side or what kind of invaluable things that you’re about to learn.
I think the hardest part about doing stuff like this, and taking the leap of faith I think the part that people are most afraid of is doing it the right way, and making sure that your responsibilities are still in track, which is equally as important as taking the sleep of faith. But I think that ensuring that your responsibilities are still in check, and that your life will still be afloat, shouldn’t hold you back from wanting to take that leap of faith still. if you don’t take shit up or spin a little too much money on something that you’ve always wanted to do or maybe stay up all night one night to write that first chapter of a book that you’ve always wanted to write a stuck in your head you’ll never be able to actually accomplish the things that you wanted to do.
It’s important to fuck around and find out because if you don’t fuck around you won’t find out in the hot area you fuck around memorial find out but the important is to find the balance of fucking around so you’ll find out. But you won’t hit rock bottom. It’s all about taking those respite responsibilities.
I’ve been stuck in a lot of cycles in my day, but my biggest cycle and probably my hardest cycle is what I wanna do with my life.  Because I’ve always known what I wanted to do with my life but the struggle has. What do I do to get that point?
I’ve always been stuck in this phase of impulsively, getting a job, then hating my job like everyone dies and then quitting my job because I want to do what I actually want to do with my life. Then getting my expectations, not met one time and feeling like down and spiraling into a depression then impulsively finding another job that’s cycling into the cycle again.
This is truthfully such an exhausting cycle with something that I keep pushing myself through every 3 to 6 months because I’ve always known what I want out of life and I just feel like I just have to go get it sometimes, without responsibly factoring in real life things like bills, savings, etc.
It feel so strongly that I’m not doing enough with my life when people in their teens and twenties are living out their dreams and I still have a hard time clocking in at a regular job because I’m so focused on everything I’m not doing, I just end up doing nothing at all.
This is definitely another post where it feels like I’m just talking bad about myself and I know that’s the kind of stuff I’m trying to stray away from, but sometimes I think it’s important to look at what’s holding you back (without it ruining your day). Because the only way to get out of cycles like this is….out get of them.
being in your early 20s is crazy bc there’s people who are literally married and people who’ve never even dated and people who are trapped in their childhood bedrooms waiting to get out and people who are trying to live out romanticized dream lives and people who are completely on their own and people with multi tiered support systems and we’re all supposedly peers and none of us think we’re doing it right at all
I promise you, that this doesn’t change in your early 30′s….there’s just slight societal differences.
The people that are married either are unhappy, have been divorced once already, or are the only lucky ones (que white picket fence). The people that have never dated have either accepted their fate and have become workaholics, alcoholics, or incels but all of them are on dating apps searching for different things…but keep running into each other. Everyone is trying to live out romanticized dream lives because its all we got left if we aren’t living our dream life and people with support systems have good therapists and deep pockets.
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Phasellus ultricies a diam eget eleifend. Praesent tristique tempor nisi non hendrerit. Maecenas sit amet metus mi. Curabitur sit amet pretium massa. Aliquam ultricies metus quam, et vulputate nisi eleifend non.
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complHEX
